I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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