Got a toothbrush?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
