just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
