please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
