i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
