I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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