I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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