3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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