Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize