I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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