She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
