He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
