Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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