hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
