I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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