Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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