So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
