He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
