If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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