Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
honey bunches of taint.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
