There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
