A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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