im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
