Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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