Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
