just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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