Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
