apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i dont even know how to be here
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
