i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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