I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Michael Bay diarrhea
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
