my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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