just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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