Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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