I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
