I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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