You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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