so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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