I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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