oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
