I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
