Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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