i wish there were pregnant emoticons
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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