I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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