he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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