we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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