boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
