THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
