I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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