If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
