It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
