I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
