Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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