They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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