I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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