I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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