Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
