but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
