i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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