I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
