my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
