we have pet lesbian snakes
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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